Alan Kleymeyer

Jane loves Beer

...Always has

Daddy's rules for dating

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. But, before you even think of dating my daughter, you'll have to fill out the Application for Permission to Date My Daughter.

My all time favorite comedians

Stephen Wright
Gary Shandling
Emo Phillips
Richard Jeni
Jeff Foxworthy

Sad tale of technology dependence

Funny experince with passwords

"...I wished I had never seen a computer before.  I remembered the Amish community just south of Champaign and wondered if they would take me in."

Funny quotes on marriage

[Copied from Maryam's Blog]

Marriage is a three-ring circus: 
   Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
~~~~~~~~
For Sale: 
   Wedding dress, size 8. 
   Worn once by mistake. 
   
~~~~~~~~
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: 
   Before marriage and after marriage.
~~~~~~~
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. 
   He thought he was God, and I didn't.
~~~~~~~
I dialed a number and got the following recording: 
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

College kids are lazy and uninformed

"Senator Hillary Clinton is being criticized because she recently called today's college kids lazy and uninformed.  A spokesman for college kids said: 'Whatever, lady from TV."

- Conan O'Brian

I threw rocks down the garbage disposal

If you leave Dad alone, you have to expect a few mishaps.  The kitchen is Mom's domain.  If I try to cook, I quickly become frustrated because I can't find stuff.  I usually stick with leftovers and frozen dinners when I'm left alone like I was this week during spring break.   I also try to keep the kitchen tidy and cleanup as I go.  There is also invariably at least one booby trap I have to negotiate when I'm left alone in the house and linger too long in places (like the kitchen).  It's like the old Peter Sellers Pink Panther movies when he comes home and Cato is hiding somewhere ready to pounce on Clouseau. 

The other night as I was leaving the kitchen I saw a cup, actually, a sippy-cup with no lid, so I quickly picked it up and dumped the contents into the sink.   Thanks Cassidy.  Who thinks to check for rocks at the bottom of a cup filled with water in the kitchen?  If you have kids, you should. I guess.

BTW, my disposal doesnt' work. Big surprise huh?  The rocks were all flat and small, like wood chips.  I thought I was clever using a piece of bread, balled up to retrieve pieces I couldn't get with my hand. But I can feel one stubborn rock stuck on the side preventing the disposal from spinning.

Differences between Christmas and Hannukah

Richard posts a humorous comparision of Christmas and Hannukah. Here is a copy of what he posted:

There are many misconceptions about the differences between Christmas and Chanukah. This should clear them up!

1. Christmas is one day, same day, every year: December 25th. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to the movies and out for Chinese food.

2. Chanukah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that is. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jew asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Jewish funeral home.

3. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us. We survived. Let's eat.

4. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos. Jews get practical presents such as underwear or socks.

5. There is only one way to spell Christmas or Xmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

6. Christmas carols are beautiful: Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful, etc. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by Jews. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully.

7. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people gather around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

8. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes.

9. Parents can't wait to deliver presents to their children on Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our gentile friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

Reminds me of a Jewish joke I heard recently. A Jewish boy comes home to tell his mother he got a part in the school play. They were both excited. Then she asks him what part he got and he replied "I'm the Jewish husband", at which time she exclaimed "You go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!".

Things You'd Like To Say Out Load At Work

Toooo funny...